The Planet From Hell

An Artists Rendition of the Planet Gliese 581c Retrieved from: http://www.cosmographica.com/spaceart/exoplanet-gliese581c.html

Hello to the few people that read this! (How’s the day going Professor?). I hope you all are ready to have some knowledge thrown at you! So pull a chair up, take a seat, and lets get to learning! Now I know I talk a LOT about space but I never really talk about the planet we live on (Don’t get to excited; I see you perking up a bit back there Tom). Let’s not get too carried away here people; I’m not gonna talk about Earth, Nay Nay, I’m gonna talk about planets that are LIKE Earth (No Tom I’m not talking about Aliens! Sit down before you hurt yourself man). So our favorite people over at NASA have spent many years staring at the sky in hopes they will find a planet like our very own Earth. I bet some of you are getting a bit excited but keep your shirts on, NASA has not found any planets that are 100% like Earth. When I say “Like Earth” I mean how likely you are not to die if you go to the planet (I know it's a lovely way of looking at things!). Another way I could put this is by saying that if a planet is 100% like Earth it is habitable (this means y’all funky Alien lovers could live there if you wanted to. Yeah don’t think I don’t see you Stephanie) but if a planet is less than 100% like Earth….then um….I don’t know how to tell you this but you gon die. Ok so we all understand now? We good? Ok, let's move on my good people! Now the object of our attention (or affection, I don’t judge people) is the planet Gliese 581c (I say this everytime but why do all these names suck? But I will say this one isn’t terrible). Let’s give it up to Gliese for being kind of like Earth! As per tradition it is time for me to give Gliese 581c it’s own name. I shall dub thee “Planet Satan”

(And you thought I would use real pictures this time....Well ya thought wrong! Muhahaha now you have to endure my mediocre MS Paint Skillz!)

(I bet you guys are wondering why I would name a planet that is like Earth this name… and I bet a lot of you are concerned… or you are very cynical and “the establishment is the devil”. Ok, ok enough rambling game face time!).  
Ok everyone, look me in the eyes. Are you looking? (What do you mean this is written text so you can’t look me in the eyes? Get that nonsense out of here, I believe in you!). Ok so Planet Satan is an exoplanet. Now before you throw your hands up in the air because I just threw another science term at you let me tell you what that is. Now an Exoplanet sounds like it's a big and’ scary term that probably has some sort of crazy definition; but that is not the case. An exoplanet, to put it simply, is a planet that is outside our own solar system; it can also be defined as a planet that orbits a star that is not our own. That's it, it's not some crazy black hole combined with a worm hole explosion thingy. Just a planet that is not part of us. 

(Was this image completely unnecessary? Yes. Do I care? No. SO you get to see its beauty as it takes up an obnoxious amount of the screen! You're welcome!!!! :)

Planet Satan is also called a Super Earth (Gupta 2015)! A Super Earth is basically a planet that is similar to Earth just bigger (Kinda like how Disneyland is smaller than Disney World kind of deal)(Gupta 2015). I hope you all know your multiplications tables because Planet Satan is a whole whopping 5 TIMES bigger than Earth!!! Wow so crazy!!! Ok I’m pulling your leg, 5 times bigger isn’t insanely big but it is still impressive.
It’s time….time to talk about stars that is! The star in question is the Red Dwarf star named, drum roll please, Gliese 581 (I’m not even shocked at this point) (Gupta 2015). If the name wasn’t a dead give away, the Red Dwarf Gliese 581 is the star that our very own Planet Satan orbits around (Gupta 2015)! Before we move on of course I am going to tell you what a Red Dwarf is (And no it's not from Lord of the Rings). A Red Dwarf is a star (GASP WHAT?) that burns at a much lower temperature than our own sun  (Gupta 2015). It also lives up to its name because, yup you guessed it, its red and its small. Back to temperatures, Gliese 581 can burn up to around 5,000 degrees fahrenheit (If you think that’s hot, hold onto your hat because I am about to blow your mind); for perspective our own sun burns at around 27 MILLION DEGREES FAHRENHEIT (That is insane, how do you even freaking comprehend that??)(Gupta 2015).  Another quick comparison is that our Sun is what’s called a yellow dwarf and it emits all kinds of colors, like infrared, ultraviolet radiation, visible light, ect (Legault 2014). But in comparison, a Red Dwarf like Gliese 581 only emits infrared and red light (Gupta 2015). So say you became disillusioned with the 9 to 5 grind and you wanted a fresh start I would not suggest Planet Satan. 

WHO WILL THEY FIGHT? WILL OUR INTREPID HERO SURVIVE THE BATTLE? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ROBEA ASTRONOMY!

Wanna know why? (Even if you don’t want to know I’m gonna tell you anyways.) I shall tell you why! It’s because everything, and I mean everything, would be bathed in a red hellish light (Gupta 2015). The reason why everything is red is because Planet Satan is about 15 times closer to its star than Earth, which is why the planet is a crismion hellscape (Gupta 2015)! So say the red lights don’t scare you. Well then buckaroo I got some news for you, if you tried to grow plants there...you would not get the lush green plants of our mother world; instead you’ll get some nightmarish, crime against nature, black as Ted Bundy’s soul plants (Sieminski 2014). What I am trying to say is all the plants will be a sickening black color because they sort of need green light to conduct photosynthesis. So wanna hear what the Scientists call this planet? They legit call it “The Planet From Hell” (Sieminski 2014). I am not lying to you a bunch of scientists sat down looked at this planet, went “Screw this place” and dubbed it “The Planet From Hell”.
Gosh this Planet is a mess, it's just so angry. Lets just talk about another problem with this planet. So another issue with this freaking planet is that it is a “tidally locked planet” (Howell 2017). Put down the pitchforks people, it's alright I will tell you what it means! Alright so basically a tidally locked planet is kind of like when you hold hands and spin around in a circle with someone (I will add an image for prospective don't you worry none.) So as Planet Satan orbits its sun the same side is always facing it (Howell 2017). Now I bet half of you are wondering what’s so bad about that and the rest of you are horrified. So if you tried to go on this planet the side that faces the sun would not only melt your face off but it would burn you out of existence; and if you tried to go on the other side of the planet you would be frozen in to your very own people-popsicle. 

(Which will you choose???)

Now I bet you are wondering what were the scientists at NASA on when they labeled Planet Satan as possibly habitable. The reason they labeled it that way is because there is a small band around the center of the planet that is thought to have temperature similar to our own planet’s (Gupta 2015). But don’t get your hopes up, recent research claims that Planet Satan is much closer to our very own Planet Venus (Howell 2017). I know I know I sound crazy, I spent the whole paper saying the planet is like Earth but at the final hour I hit you over the head by saying it’s closer to Venus. I did not lie to you, Planet Satan shares characteristics from both Earth and Venus. Why is Planet Satan like Venus? Well there is one big reason, both Planets suffer from runaway greenhouse effect (Don’t worry fam I’ll explain to you what the heck that means)(Gupta 2015). So the runaway greenhouse effect is when the planet's atmosphere is so thick that it is boiling its own water into nothingness (Gupta 2015). This is a problem because eventually there will be no water left on Planet Satan (Oh no D:). The same is thought to have happen on planet Venus once upon a time which is why Planet Satan is similar to it! Planet Satan is a barren hellscape that will either freeze you to death or melt your face off. (What a nice image! You’re welcome!). 

(Poor Planet Satan is having an identity crisis! D: )

To wrap up this bad boy, Planet Satan is legit one of the worst places ever. I don’t know what sleep deprived, over caffeinated NASA scientist thought this place was like Earth but they are so wrong. It is not a Super Earth, it is not a place you could live. Honestly this planet belongs in a horror story. Ok let's close the book on this one. Thank you all for reading! I really tried to find a place that was cool to hear about! But now I’ll let you guys go! Keep learning! Keeping looking for the truth! Toodaloo my lovely readers!

Works Cited

Gupta, R. (2015, August 01). Planets: Gliese 581 c. Retrieved October 26, 2018, from https://astronaut.com/planets-gliese-581-c/

Howell, E. (2017, March 24). Gliese 581c: Super-Earth Exoplanet. Retrieved October 26, 2018, from https://www.space.com/36196-gliese-581c.html

Legault, T. (2014). Astrophotography. Santa Barbara, CA: Rocky Nook.

Sieminski, J. (2014, June 20). Top 10 Strangest Things In Space. Retrieved October 26, 2018, from https://listverse.com/2013/04/23/top-10-strangest-things-in-space/